In a recent conversation with a friend, we discovered something in his conflict-management approach that left us wondering as to how many other folks find themselves in a similar pattern with their own communication partners. It seems that he often interacts with an acquaintance whom he perceives as consistently passive-aggressive, and so has entered into an ongoing pattern with this Other in which he disarms him with humor in order to sidestep actual conflict. This keeps both of them at something of a stable peace, but also locked in a conflict pattern that neither escalates nor deescalates, and so which never really approaches the type of mutuality and authenticity that will move both toward deeper meaning and trust in and with one another.
It occurred to us that many people choose a similar path, adjusting their method and level of interaction to meet their Other’s because they perceive their Other as engaging in more or less direct (if tacit) aggression. They parry to the perceived thrust. What many folks often don’t realize is that, in choosing to respond to what one sees as a “fight,” one is accepting an invitation to engage in conflict, and so to forego peace. The Institute invites our clients to consider adjusting their perceptions and perspectives in order to see all such interactions with Others not as moments to become guarded and defensive, but as inaccurate attempts by their Other to engage in harmony, in the communion of conversation. This simple (if easier said than done) shift in perception has the potential to transform every interaction in a positive and fruitful manner.
It’s a basic tenet of Conflict Resolution that we learn to understand and respond to the needs and interests of our Other before managing and communicating our own. This generally has the effect of shifting any interaction from one presenting as two opposing forces with identical but non-mutual interests (their own) into one presenting as two uniting forces with identical and mutual interests (each other’s), flowing into and out of each other like the Taoist yin-yang symbol. It is a fairly simple set of skills and communication strategies, easily taught, but takes time to master and employ. The first step in such a process is remembering to engage our Others with an intention to create harmony and mutuality, to genuinely listen, and to attempt to ascertain our Other’s needs and interests in such a way as to share an experience rather than engage in a transaction. Keeping these things in mind, we find ourselves at the threshold of true and inspired Community.
- The Institute
Sunday, August 1, 2010
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